The Psychological Reason Why You’re Attracted to Your Best Friend’s Partner

Many people have experienced being attracted to a friend’s new partner. It can be unsettling, especially when it involves a close friend who is clearly happy in their relationship. However, this phenomenon has a scientific explanation known as mimetic desire. René Girard, a French philosopher and literary theorist, coined the term based on his own experiences. This concept revolves around the idea of desiring what others desire.

Being Attracted to a Friend’s Partner

Mimetic desire can lead to perpetual rivalry and conflict with friends because it causes you to both admire them and hate them because you want what they have. According to Girard, this rivalry intensifies when someone becomes a perceived adversary and you start trying to compete with your friend over the same thing, which in this case is their partner.

Famous examples of mimetic desire can be found in art and culture. Eric Clapton’s song “Layla” gave a glimpse into his obsession with his best friend George Harrison’s wife, Pattie Boyd, who eventually left George for Eric. This real-life scenario exemplifies how mimetic desire can become a reality. In popular media, mimetic desire has been portrayed in TV shows like HBO’s The White Lotus, where characters grapple with jealousy and desire for what their friends have.

Mimetic Desire Is Normal

Despite the potential pitfalls, mimetic desire serves as an essential social tool. Psychologists suggest that it’s rooted in the need for social belonging and identity-building. People are naturally drawn to what others want, and it can be challenging to resist. Clinical psychologist Barbara Burt explains that mimetic desire is a part of biology, shaping a sense of belonging.

Recognizing mimetic desire can empower individuals to manage their emotions and impulses effectively. It’s a reminder that feelings of attraction toward a friend’s partner are not indicative of moral shortcomings but rather a testament to social nature. Over time, these feelings often go away, allowing friendships to thrive without unnecessary complications. Psychologist Nicole Monteiro reassures that feeling attracted to a friend’s partner is common and typically fades over time.

Don’t Act on the Feelings

People who’ve experienced attraction towards a friend’s partner should know that it’s a normal aspect of human psychology. It’s essential not to act on such feelings to maintain healthy relationships. Understanding this phenomenon can help them navigate their emotions and maintain harmony with their friends and loved ones.

Mimetic desire simply shows that humans are inherently influenced by the desires and preferences of those around them and shouldn’t be a cause for alarm or potential rivalry and conflict within social circles.